Sonnet First Draft

[just mercedes]

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
Gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerked and left, her spine a rod of ire, confusion of tenses here - present to past
Because I touched his tubes; her mouth went grim;

And pacing in the hall, she looked for aid,
From anyone professionally trained.
She turned, and God, her face was like a blade! the exclamation doesn't work for me
Her whole demeanor timid rage restrained. is timid the right word here?


How could I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido,
In face of fear to hold his courage fast,
No matter how unfair, to face his foe. nice sonics, but the word order inversion, to make the end line rhyme, feels intrusive

He was my student, but he taught me more.
I won't hold on to all that came before. I think you need a stronger end couplet

A difficult subject, and you've tackled it well. Just needs a little more work - thanks for posting. Sonnets are a difficult form.