01-01-2015, 04:43 AM
Milo,
I like the idea of this poem, and since it is in the for fun section would not generally offer critique, but as everyone else has. The problematic point for me is that stanzas 2 and 3 to not have the same correlation to shoes as does stanza one. In stanza one there is a direct correlation to shoes and sneaking up on someone. It is an establish image (for lack of a better term) that one removes ones shoes to better sneak up on someone. This same idea is lacking in the next two stanzas and they suffer by comparison. This is unfortunate as it really is a great idea for a poem.
There is maybe a slight correlation between going through airport security and the need to remove ones shows, but there is nothing even akin to that with a calendar. I think you need to cite other instances that are known for needing shoes to be removed. Like entering into a Japanese bath house. They can easily follow you into a Japanese bath house and blow cool air across your back, as they need no Geisha to remove their shoes. Something like that, that there is a more established connection to the removing of ones shoes, and where it can be emphasized.
Maybe I'm dense, but also have not traveled much in a while, do they make everybody take off their shoes to get through airport security? If not then I don't think that image really works. Maybe it just doesn't work for me because I'm so out of touch with the larger world of travel.
I do like the change on the last line. It adds a lightness to the poem, rather injecting added heaviness that it doesn't need as the first one did.
This is also a very fresh and original idea, I am envious.
Dale
I like the idea of this poem, and since it is in the for fun section would not generally offer critique, but as everyone else has. The problematic point for me is that stanzas 2 and 3 to not have the same correlation to shoes as does stanza one. In stanza one there is a direct correlation to shoes and sneaking up on someone. It is an establish image (for lack of a better term) that one removes ones shoes to better sneak up on someone. This same idea is lacking in the next two stanzas and they suffer by comparison. This is unfortunate as it really is a great idea for a poem.
There is maybe a slight correlation between going through airport security and the need to remove ones shows, but there is nothing even akin to that with a calendar. I think you need to cite other instances that are known for needing shoes to be removed. Like entering into a Japanese bath house. They can easily follow you into a Japanese bath house and blow cool air across your back, as they need no Geisha to remove their shoes. Something like that, that there is a more established connection to the removing of ones shoes, and where it can be emphasized.
Maybe I'm dense, but also have not traveled much in a while, do they make everybody take off their shoes to get through airport security? If not then I don't think that image really works. Maybe it just doesn't work for me because I'm so out of touch with the larger world of travel.
I do like the change on the last line. It adds a lightness to the poem, rather injecting added heaviness that it doesn't need as the first one did.
This is also a very fresh and original idea, I am envious.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.