Pancakes in the Stream(edit 0.001 Billy, Tom, and Ella)

[TimeOut]

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
 
©2014

I've never seen ice pancakes, those are neat. They almost remind me of lily pads. 

There are a few layers of tension going on in the first two lines that I enjoyed. Pancake Ice makes me think of iced pancakes which some how relates to moon pies with them both being sugary circle foods. Ice pancakes kinda look like the moon, but moon pies not as much since they are chocolate colored. Ice/Nice is more silly then descriptive. "moon pie face" brings to mind a whimsical description of a really circular face, like an children's book illustration. 

 I don't know what "the image" is supposed to be of, the face, the ice, something else entirely? I like the end and how it relates to the ice pancake, it evokes a really beautiful image. I imagine thoughts like little bits of ice drifting in the head, and melting as the cerebral space becomes more hazy. I almost want to know why the narrators mind is melting, I thought initially because of age, but it could be maybe they are just getting sleepy or maybe drugs IDK Idk

 I like to imagine the narrator is at the dentist, he just got injected with morphine and they have a little photograph of ice pancakes on the ceiling that you can look at while they do their dentist business. 

This poem reminded me of the book cloudy with a chance of meatballs.  Its all real silly, and trying to critique it almost felt like I was taking the poem more serious then it wants to be.  Anway just my 2 cents thnx for sharing. ^^

I agree with the "my mind is melting away" problem. I like the alliteration, but I feel that the connotation this image conjures is just too closely tied to drugs, OR worse case video games. There definitely is a better way to express a slipping of memory/losing your grasp on your own reality. It's hard because I like the concept of the ice pancakes melting, but I think when used with 'mind' it is too polarizing of an image. I say ditch the alliteration and go with something more direct. For example...

It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. Melted away or disappeared.