12-30-2014, 01:51 PM
I like the varied, song-like repetition of the refrain "rain that burns," and you did a nice job of carrying the music/dancing motif all the way through. However, the overly romantic and angsty tone of most poetry (including my own) makes me flinch. I do think you've created the mournful mood you're going for, but there is a touch of melodrama that takes away from the sincerity for me.
"Still I smear my dreams" is a novel phrase, but I had the same reaction as Leah. For some reason, "smear" evokes the idea of monkeys smearing poop or someone smearing boogers on their shirt.
"Crimson blood" sounds very cliche to me. Plus it's redundant, since blood is obviously red.
"Ere" sounds out of place to me, perhaps because the rest of the poem doesn't have the same old-timey style.
Thanks for sharing! I enjoyed reading your work.
"Still I smear my dreams" is a novel phrase, but I had the same reaction as Leah. For some reason, "smear" evokes the idea of monkeys smearing poop or someone smearing boogers on their shirt.
"Crimson blood" sounds very cliche to me. Plus it's redundant, since blood is obviously red.
"Ere" sounds out of place to me, perhaps because the rest of the poem doesn't have the same old-timey style.
Thanks for sharing! I enjoyed reading your work.