Love poetry Edit 2.0 leah S., erthona,mercedes, none

[tectak]

Fresh words of love are hesitant, a kiss too soon meets ice;
like glass upon your picture keeps my lips from touching you.
A poet's love of words may woo, but rarely will entice;
best keep them in some secret place, well hid from cynic's view.

You who lampoon the love-struck loon with cliche cry and claim,
forget that once the flame has left your black and empty grate,
strange chill sets in, hot blood runs thin, and though you spew disdain,
whatever spittle you may spray, will fail to sublimate.*

Embrace, then, words of those in love, who found what once was lost;
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youths broken by their bleeding hearts, dismayed when first time crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
tectak
2014

I love the meaning of your poem. The speaker is encouraging love poetry even though it is in vein. It's like something you have to do whether or not it will yield the desired result. Dare I mention that to say "Bereaved, Bereft, alone" is redundant? If creating tension through the redundancy was your goal, then I can understand, after all, what is more redundant than a love poem? I wish I could mention further a word of improvement, but your meter is impeccable here. I love it.

Hi stanley,
thanks for this. Your question. Yes. There may well be an issue of redundancy but the triple repeat, anaphora, is a valid device though that it is much used is not an excuse for my use...in fact, the opposite may well apply. I only ask that in consideration of the three words you see that each has a different meaning. Is that enough? Thoughts welcome.
Best,
tectak.

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I don't see anything to critique here, it is well written. Everything I said after this are just my mere opinion.

Embrace, then...

Is that comma really necessary?

The last stanza is very difficult to read. Lots of commas aren't that much of a deterrent, but when they are added with semicolons twice in a row - now that's kinda confusing.

Embrace, then, words of those in love, who found what once was lost;
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youths broken by their bleeding hearts, dismayed when first time crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!

First of all, the comma after "Embrace" makes me wonder, embrace what? But then the semicolons means that the three lines are essentially three major elements in a sentence. Too cumbersome when they can be separated into at least two sentences.

Hello none,
thanks for your comments. The grammatical issue of the comma is a vexed one.
The sentence is, in fact, (there I go again) modified by the conditionality of the inserted "then". being ,"Embrace words of those in love, who found what once was lost......." BECAUSE of what has been said. I think you can see that a sentence which has "..then words" makes little sense.
That second semicolon is just plain wrong. Credited.
Best,
tectak