12-28-2014, 05:22 PM
I don't see anything to critique here, it is well written. Everything I said after this are just my mere opinion.
Embrace, then...
Is that comma really necessary?
The last stanza is very difficult to read. Lots of commas aren't that much of a deterrent, but when they are added with semicolons twice in a row - now that's kinda confusing.
Embrace, then, words of those in love, who found what once was lost;
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youths broken by their bleeding hearts, dismayed when first time crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
First of all, the comma after "Embrace" makes me wonder, embrace what? But then the semicolons means that the three lines are essentially three major elements in a sentence. Too cumbersome when they can be separated into at least two sentences.
Embrace, then...
Is that comma really necessary?
The last stanza is very difficult to read. Lots of commas aren't that much of a deterrent, but when they are added with semicolons twice in a row - now that's kinda confusing.
Embrace, then, words of those in love, who found what once was lost;
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youths broken by their bleeding hearts, dismayed when first time crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
First of all, the comma after "Embrace" makes me wonder, embrace what? But then the semicolons means that the three lines are essentially three major elements in a sentence. Too cumbersome when they can be separated into at least two sentences.