Rain That Burns

[Leah S.]

Though the night is bane "Bane" is a noun. Is "the night" your bane?
Only moonlight mourns What else might be mourning if it wasn't "only" the moonlight? btw how does moonlight mourn, exactly?
Here I dance with pains I assume you are dancing with pains in some part of yourself, not dancing with little personified pains?
And this rain that burns Moonlight and rain? quite a trick. Is the rain the tears evincing the moonlight's mourning? Convoluted if so. Your syntax says you are dancing with the rain, though, not in it. Not sure how that works.
Still I smear my dreams Eeeww!
And my longing hymns Help! The only way any of this makes sense is if you are smearing your dreams and hymns in bloody sigils all over the burning rain......quite a trick!
In crimson blood runes This explains the "pains" from the first stanza.......I guess?
On this rain that burns How do you get your blood to stick to flaming raindrops?
My loveless nocturnes More musical references.....is this a weird riff on "Singing in the Rain"?
My last remembrance Either "nocturne" - "remembrance" or "nocturnes" - "remembrances," don't you think? You didn't care (rhyme-wise) about "bane" and "pains," why care about "nocturnes" and "burns"?
Ere death and silence Are you burning to death in the flaming rain?
In this rain that burns

On to your rhyme scheme: S1 - abab - sort of. S2 - very slanty but no real scheme. S3 - bccb - sort of. If you are going to use rhyme I think it deserves a little more consideration. At least you stuck with a consistent image: your agonized protagonist singing and dancing in the burning rain. Quite hellish. The number of clichés you used invites me to assume your poem is a sort of lampoon, possibly of "Singing in the Rain". That is, if you used them intentionally, though I still don't get the point.