12-24-2014, 05:20 AM
Thanks Tom,
The use of "My Dear" was more of a hint to the age of the speaker rather than anything else. I'm not a big fan of enjambment but I like the way it effects the sonic quality of the line here, as the line break creates a natural caesura followed by short/long syllables. I put the comma after face, you can decide if ti accomplishes what you thought it would, I thought the line break caused enough pause that it didn't need a comma. Still I bow to your superior grammatical knowledge.
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Billy,
Yes, I think you pointed out a flaw in the poem, basically a forced rhyme. As a result I made a change that I think makes the poem a lot better. Thank you.
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Ella,
"a mind is melting away"
I'm assuming you were being facetious when you wrote that. I think the change I made to the preceding line makes the last line read a little better, but I like the mumbling alliterative quality of "My mind". Kind of like "Buh Bye". Older people do not enunciate their words all that well, and in fact have a tendency to mumble, as most times the end up talking to themselves. Of course as always you have my unreserved permission to make a copy and change until it suits you, that is if you find yourself extremely bored over the hollly daze
Don't eat those red berries though they make your stomach hurt really bad right before they kill you. I've had to use three get out of Hell cards because of them. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but knoooow. Oh, but they're so shinny! must-re-sists!
XOXOXOXO
dale
The use of "My Dear" was more of a hint to the age of the speaker rather than anything else. I'm not a big fan of enjambment but I like the way it effects the sonic quality of the line here, as the line break creates a natural caesura followed by short/long syllables. I put the comma after face, you can decide if ti accomplishes what you thought it would, I thought the line break caused enough pause that it didn't need a comma. Still I bow to your superior grammatical knowledge.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Billy,
Yes, I think you pointed out a flaw in the poem, basically a forced rhyme. As a result I made a change that I think makes the poem a lot better. Thank you.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Ella,
"a mind is melting away"
I'm assuming you were being facetious when you wrote that. I think the change I made to the preceding line makes the last line read a little better, but I like the mumbling alliterative quality of "My mind". Kind of like "Buh Bye". Older people do not enunciate their words all that well, and in fact have a tendency to mumble, as most times the end up talking to themselves. Of course as always you have my unreserved permission to make a copy and change until it suits you, that is if you find yourself extremely bored over the hollly daze
Don't eat those red berries though they make your stomach hurt really bad right before they kill you. I've had to use three get out of Hell cards because of them. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but knoooow. Oh, but they're so shinny! must-re-sists! XOXOXOXO
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.