Pancakes in the Stream(edit 0.001 Billy, Tom, and Ella)

[ellajam]

Wjames,

The intent, and I'm not saying it was successful, but the intent of using the idea of moon pie face (there is actually a confection called that) was to show that this was an affectionate nick name given to someone special from the past. I can possibly see that you could see acne if you are picturing the actually moon, less so a "moon pie," but I'm not sure I can take responsibility for what your mind conjures from that description, unless it is more obvious. I think if you look at a "vanilla moon pie" (which I probably need to define the vanilla more) it is hard to think of acne from the picture.

 http://www.candywarehouse.com/assets/ite...464-im.jpg

"I don't like the choppiness/curtness of the two sentences before the final one".

Ah yes, The idea, and I am not claiming it was successful was to create the idea of the image one gets when film is catching and stopping, as to mimic how his brain is staring to fall into dysfunction. I will consider your suggestion, but at the moment I am somewhat committed to that form, and the poem would need a complete rewrite to change that.

Thanks for your time and input.

Dale
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Ellacappella,

Well it is a first person statement, so the question becomes what is the best first person statement this person could voice for his situation? Let us assume he is older with a touch of dementia, or Alzheimer's and he is aware his memory is slowly being lost to him. So with that awareness, and with a nod to the ice pancakes as representing little memory blobs, how does one state the final line?
I'm aware of what you are saying, I simply have no better alternative for what is currently there. If you can create something you think works better, I'm all ears. Well no, not really. Prince Charles is all ears and I don't look anything like him, but I will certainly listen.  

ChristmasMerry

Dale    

   

Hi Dale, After reading your explanation to WJ I was thinking each frame melts away, doubling on film and photo frames, but really, I think if you thought it needed fixing you'd fix it yourself.

Hoping to over eat and drink to just before the point of distress, wishing you the same, Happy Here Comes Winter.

Edit, I might even be happy with "a mind is melting away", gets rid of my-my and is even more removed, are you still sure that mind is your own?