Pancakes in the Stream(edit 0.001 Billy, Tom, and Ella)

[Wjames]

Pancakes in the Stream
 
Pancake ice is nice,
so round just like your moon pie face
my dear. I know the image is there
so clear. It seems it’s been misplaced
or seared. My mind is melting away.
 
–Erthona
 
 
 Ice Pancakes
 
©2014

Hey Dale,

I read this earlier and for some reason didn't notice the image of Ice Pancakes below the poem; without the picture, I thought you meant pancakes topped with icing sugar in the first line, which muddled my reading of the rest of the poem.

I like the idea of pancake ice as a metaphor for losing the ability to picture an old loved ones face. I especially like the comparison since the "face" of the ice is blank (the only comparison made is the roundness).

I'm not sure if it was your intention, but when I picture a "moon pie face" it's covered in acne (this might be just because I've never seen an actual moon pie). I would prefer an image with no correlation to features of a face (I personally would even prefer just "face" without moon pies) to further the "I can't remember what she looks like" metaphor.

I don't like the choppiness/curtness of the two sentences before the final one, I think they could be combined pretty easily if you wanted to, as they're essentially the same idea. I do like the last line though, it sort of ties the whole thing together for me, and it seems like something someone would actually say; to me it contrasts well with the sort of upbeat mood/cadence of the rest of the poem.