12-18-2014, 09:06 PM
Raw and simple, straightforward and honest.
I can sense that you put in all your emotion into this poem or at least that is what I feel by reading it. Perhaps because they are not complicated to understand and perhaps because they are written in language that is - how should I describe it - pure and yet amusingly - over the top, this kind of over the top:
But you haven't the slightest clue
that you are that spark,
fervent enough to set ablaze this city,
and engulf the world in smoke.
When you finally realize that the words I've written
exist only because your lungs breathed life into my landscapes,
and your heart whispered light from the east
that bled ink onto the shadows of pages in the west,
I suppose context matter the most, had you not inserted the introduction:
It would be difficult for me to experience your authentic feeling embedded in this poem and would be less appreciative of the piece. If you intend to rework this piece, I can say that it will lost its innocent. Sure, it will sound better, but it will feel less genuine to me.
Just my opinion though.
I can sense that you put in all your emotion into this poem or at least that is what I feel by reading it. Perhaps because they are not complicated to understand and perhaps because they are written in language that is - how should I describe it - pure and yet amusingly - over the top, this kind of over the top:
But you haven't the slightest clue
that you are that spark,
fervent enough to set ablaze this city,
and engulf the world in smoke.
When you finally realize that the words I've written
exist only because your lungs breathed life into my landscapes,
and your heart whispered light from the east
that bled ink onto the shadows of pages in the west,
I suppose context matter the most, had you not inserted the introduction:
Quote:Piece is directed towards someone who has inspired me endlessly for years.
It would be difficult for me to experience your authentic feeling embedded in this poem and would be less appreciative of the piece. If you intend to rework this piece, I can say that it will lost its innocent. Sure, it will sound better, but it will feel less genuine to me.
Just my opinion though.