12-17-2014, 11:23 AM
QD,
There is nothing really here that would allow me to critique this as a poem. The lines are truncated based on visual appearance it seems, if they are based on something else it has me stumped. There is of course no meter or rhyme, but there is also no beat or cadence. The only poetic trope I notice is a single use of alliteration. This is a fairly dry narrative, the images generally have the barest description about them. It becomes obvious early on that her guest or her "family" are rats who make home in her attic, from how they sound, and that they use the plastic covering from wires, and insulation from the walls to create a "nest", and are probably about the only critter who would do this. Further on we discover the woman was an alcoholic, has relapsed several times, "Sometimes she fell behind.", and that her behavior when she was drinking was not wonderful. "She was content to keep her past restrained." The most probably route for a female alcoholic is being a prostitute. Regardless, whatever family and friends she once had, she has driven away with her behavior. That she walks "crookedly" would indicate she got a permanent injury when she was drinking, or someone gave her one, or she is old. However there is no way to tell so it becomes difficult to incorporate that information into the visual image. This story does not grab the reader, it is missing too much information to be a stand a lone piece. There are just too many questions that strain the credulity.
"Every evening after prayer she would force
herself away from the safety of family and home.
She would timidly greet a world of sneers
while walking crookedly to the corner store
where she could retrieve the bare essentials:
yellow potatoes, aspirin tablets, and a packet of peanuts."
One has to ask why she needed to go to the store every day when she is getting nothing that even needs refrigerating, is she so feeble she can only carry a one day supply of aspirin. It seems like a days worth of aspirin is not that much lighter than a month's worth, and certainly a weeks worth of packaged peanuts would not add a significant amount of weight.
If this were written as the first page of a prose story those questions that come up would be OK, as one would expect they would be answered later on and not be bothered by them. Presented as a single poem, where those questions are left unanswered is not acceptable. It creates too much ambiguity and the story breaks down, too much tension is created and the primary experience of the reader is frustration.
Also as an introduction to a longer piece it does not have to be something to pull you in, but read as a single piece, (at least for me, others may disagree) there really isn't much to draw a person in or keep them there. I think the most important thing you need to do is show why this person is "important" enough to write a story about. Hopefully others will have better insight into this than I did.
Dale
There is nothing really here that would allow me to critique this as a poem. The lines are truncated based on visual appearance it seems, if they are based on something else it has me stumped. There is of course no meter or rhyme, but there is also no beat or cadence. The only poetic trope I notice is a single use of alliteration. This is a fairly dry narrative, the images generally have the barest description about them. It becomes obvious early on that her guest or her "family" are rats who make home in her attic, from how they sound, and that they use the plastic covering from wires, and insulation from the walls to create a "nest", and are probably about the only critter who would do this. Further on we discover the woman was an alcoholic, has relapsed several times, "Sometimes she fell behind.", and that her behavior when she was drinking was not wonderful. "She was content to keep her past restrained." The most probably route for a female alcoholic is being a prostitute. Regardless, whatever family and friends she once had, she has driven away with her behavior. That she walks "crookedly" would indicate she got a permanent injury when she was drinking, or someone gave her one, or she is old. However there is no way to tell so it becomes difficult to incorporate that information into the visual image. This story does not grab the reader, it is missing too much information to be a stand a lone piece. There are just too many questions that strain the credulity.
"Every evening after prayer she would force
herself away from the safety of family and home.
She would timidly greet a world of sneers
while walking crookedly to the corner store
where she could retrieve the bare essentials:
yellow potatoes, aspirin tablets, and a packet of peanuts."
One has to ask why she needed to go to the store every day when she is getting nothing that even needs refrigerating, is she so feeble she can only carry a one day supply of aspirin. It seems like a days worth of aspirin is not that much lighter than a month's worth, and certainly a weeks worth of packaged peanuts would not add a significant amount of weight.
If this were written as the first page of a prose story those questions that come up would be OK, as one would expect they would be answered later on and not be bothered by them. Presented as a single poem, where those questions are left unanswered is not acceptable. It creates too much ambiguity and the story breaks down, too much tension is created and the primary experience of the reader is frustration.
Also as an introduction to a longer piece it does not have to be something to pull you in, but read as a single piece, (at least for me, others may disagree) there really isn't much to draw a person in or keep them there. I think the most important thing you need to do is show why this person is "important" enough to write a story about. Hopefully others will have better insight into this than I did.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.