12-17-2014, 06:59 AM
This appears to start out in dactyl tetrameter, but fails to stay with that pattern and is hit or miss throughout the poem, sometimes dropping completely into iambic, so it is pretty much a Hodge-podge of mixed meters.
The rhyme pattern is a-b-a c-b-c d-e-d. There are some good off rhymes, floor-twirls. The S2 rhyme is also good, pools - jewels.
The B rhyme is not really a rhyme, it is just the repetition of the same word "angle". Because of this I initially thought this was one of those French forms that has all that repetition to it, but evidently it is not. Personally I think repeating the same word at the end of a line so close together is a weakness, if for no other reason than the reader will note it and begin to wonder why it is there as it seems to serve no purpose. Any disruption such as this that takes the reader out of the poem I would consider a weakness, since the idea of any form of literature is for the reader to become immersed in the writing.
L1 is fairly well written although one would rather have a metaphor than a simile, it is somewhat understandably considering the form. I'm thinking maybe "tile floors" rather than "tiled", comes off the tongue easier. "tiled" is probably more accurate, but speaking in the vernacular most people would say "tile floors", when one uses the plural of floor, and "tiled floor" when using the singular.
L2 as no viewpoint has yet to be defined, the phrase "from the right angle" is rather awkward as well as disruptive.
L3 I'm not sure that "tempoed" is even a word. It did not show up in two dictionary, and in the third it brought up tempo, but did not show this form, nor designate it as a proper word. Either way, it is an extremely obscure word, if it is a word at all. I would consider a different word, or a way to use tempo instead. "Her dress rippled in tempo". Regardless, you are only using this form to make the off rhyme of "twirls". As it is an off rhyme, and as you have moved in to iambic, I see no reason to torture a word that does so little and cost so much.
L4 Again with a simile and almost back to using dactyls. Comparing eyes to anything is pretty much a cliche, as well as the term grass green, regardless of how you write it. How eyes form "trickling pools" I have no idea (tears maybe). I get no image from this description, maybe others will.
L5 Anytime one uses the phrase "right angle", probably the first image that will arise is that of a ninety degree angle. As bad as the "right angle" thing is, the "cheeks bend tears" is good. I do not see why you think you need to qualify that statement by attaching the "at the right angle" phrase. You do not need it and it only serves to create confusion.
L6 And where are these glittering jewels, how big are they, are they in the pool???? Why would that be a positive. It doesn't even seem like a compliment. In fact it sounds creepy (I hope this is not some girl you are trying to date).
L7 Ah the next simile. I'm not sure I can agree with the statement. Generally wind, and all things being equal, would be coldest at about 3:00 in the morning when the temperature is also the coldest, or at least that was my experience during the many times I camped out in the fall and winter (I didn't like to camp out in the spring or summer as it was too hot, and too many mosquitoes to bite you, and too many snakes to do the same). Nothings better than freezing your ass off while getting the fire started to make coffee and then the wonderful sensation of searing you mouth with too hot coffee. Good times then, before they had everything roped off.
L8 This line somewhat typifies a problem that is throughout the poem, only here it seems more obvious. Although this section/stanza starts with a simile, the second line L8 is more of a metaphor which is good, but a metaphor has to stick with what is similar between the two things being compared.
The beginning of this stanza says She is the wind. Then one should move into how she is like the wind. There is no connection between her judgement and wind swirling a pile of leaves. In fact wind really doesn't have a characteristic that would equate to human judgement. To anger, unpredictability, buffeting, assaulting, and so on, but not judging. The wind moving a pile of leaves does not speaking to judging as judging is a mental assessment. wind is all action, no mentality, a doer, not a thinker. Likewise, leaves cannot be swayed, unless you set them up as being something other than leaves that can think and thus can be swayed. You cannot used "moved" in the physical sense, and moved in the emotional sense, and then use that interchangeably as if they were the same thing.
L9 Once again, she is being compared to the wind so that certain things could be learned about her that might not otherwise be learned another way, or that through this learning other truths might also be revealed. However she is not really the wind and she cannot rise and be gone, unless at some point you identify her as a wind goddess or something similar that has the power to fly.
This seems too be very much a beginner love poem, on the positive side it does avoid many of the cliches that most find themselves saddled with. On the negative side, there seems to be little skill demonstrated when it comes to the meter, continuity, and comparison simile/metaphor. For a poem that obviously is relying on creating images, it does a relatively poor job in creating any. The device used dates back to at least Shakespeare as sonnet 18 would attest although older poets of the courtly love poem era also used such a device to good effect.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
The rhyme pattern is a-b-a c-b-c d-e-d. There are some good off rhymes, floor-twirls. The S2 rhyme is also good, pools - jewels.
The B rhyme is not really a rhyme, it is just the repetition of the same word "angle". Because of this I initially thought this was one of those French forms that has all that repetition to it, but evidently it is not. Personally I think repeating the same word at the end of a line so close together is a weakness, if for no other reason than the reader will note it and begin to wonder why it is there as it seems to serve no purpose. Any disruption such as this that takes the reader out of the poem I would consider a weakness, since the idea of any form of literature is for the reader to become immersed in the writing.
L1 is fairly well written although one would rather have a metaphor than a simile, it is somewhat understandably considering the form. I'm thinking maybe "tile floors" rather than "tiled", comes off the tongue easier. "tiled" is probably more accurate, but speaking in the vernacular most people would say "tile floors", when one uses the plural of floor, and "tiled floor" when using the singular.
L2 as no viewpoint has yet to be defined, the phrase "from the right angle" is rather awkward as well as disruptive.
L3 I'm not sure that "tempoed" is even a word. It did not show up in two dictionary, and in the third it brought up tempo, but did not show this form, nor designate it as a proper word. Either way, it is an extremely obscure word, if it is a word at all. I would consider a different word, or a way to use tempo instead. "Her dress rippled in tempo". Regardless, you are only using this form to make the off rhyme of "twirls". As it is an off rhyme, and as you have moved in to iambic, I see no reason to torture a word that does so little and cost so much.
L4 Again with a simile and almost back to using dactyls. Comparing eyes to anything is pretty much a cliche, as well as the term grass green, regardless of how you write it. How eyes form "trickling pools" I have no idea (tears maybe). I get no image from this description, maybe others will.
L5 Anytime one uses the phrase "right angle", probably the first image that will arise is that of a ninety degree angle. As bad as the "right angle" thing is, the "cheeks bend tears" is good. I do not see why you think you need to qualify that statement by attaching the "at the right angle" phrase. You do not need it and it only serves to create confusion.
L6 And where are these glittering jewels, how big are they, are they in the pool???? Why would that be a positive. It doesn't even seem like a compliment. In fact it sounds creepy (I hope this is not some girl you are trying to date).
L7 Ah the next simile. I'm not sure I can agree with the statement. Generally wind, and all things being equal, would be coldest at about 3:00 in the morning when the temperature is also the coldest, or at least that was my experience during the many times I camped out in the fall and winter (I didn't like to camp out in the spring or summer as it was too hot, and too many mosquitoes to bite you, and too many snakes to do the same). Nothings better than freezing your ass off while getting the fire started to make coffee and then the wonderful sensation of searing you mouth with too hot coffee. Good times then, before they had everything roped off.
L8 This line somewhat typifies a problem that is throughout the poem, only here it seems more obvious. Although this section/stanza starts with a simile, the second line L8 is more of a metaphor which is good, but a metaphor has to stick with what is similar between the two things being compared.
The beginning of this stanza says She is the wind. Then one should move into how she is like the wind. There is no connection between her judgement and wind swirling a pile of leaves. In fact wind really doesn't have a characteristic that would equate to human judgement. To anger, unpredictability, buffeting, assaulting, and so on, but not judging. The wind moving a pile of leaves does not speaking to judging as judging is a mental assessment. wind is all action, no mentality, a doer, not a thinker. Likewise, leaves cannot be swayed, unless you set them up as being something other than leaves that can think and thus can be swayed. You cannot used "moved" in the physical sense, and moved in the emotional sense, and then use that interchangeably as if they were the same thing.
L9 Once again, she is being compared to the wind so that certain things could be learned about her that might not otherwise be learned another way, or that through this learning other truths might also be revealed. However she is not really the wind and she cannot rise and be gone, unless at some point you identify her as a wind goddess or something similar that has the power to fly.
This seems too be very much a beginner love poem, on the positive side it does avoid many of the cliches that most find themselves saddled with. On the negative side, there seems to be little skill demonstrated when it comes to the meter, continuity, and comparison simile/metaphor. For a poem that obviously is relying on creating images, it does a relatively poor job in creating any. The device used dates back to at least Shakespeare as sonnet 18 would attest although older poets of the courtly love poem era also used such a device to good effect.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.