mother
#8
(11-21-2014, 01:56 AM)vagabond Wrote:   
we measured every element
down to your iron core we scannedand scanned down to your iron core
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.
 
deprived you of your mystic name period
invent a god who´s far away
for to despoil you of your limbs This line is gobbledygook. It makes no sense whatsoever because you do not use the correct words or syntax. Do you mean "deprive" or "deny"?
“make earth subject” as bible printsAgain, senseless.
 
but we´re your children, but we are your children
you´re our ground you are our ground
we ache cause we do we ache because
share your wounds. we share your wounds
Edit
thanks to all critics
mother
we measured every element
down to your iron core we scanned
but who you are is long forgotten
secret gardens reaped and rotten.
your name´s denied and undermined
by crafted gods and false commands,
our warrant to despoil  your  limbs.
the answer that you give is grim.
we´re self-aware but cancerous sprouts,
germs ovlivious to our ground.
we ache cause we do
share your wounds.
Hello,
this should be further along the road than it is  by now. Forget subtlety...go for precision. I see no rhyme scheme and so the in-text suggestions should be acceptable. Once the piece reads correctly you can tweak it, though a little punctuation towards clarity would not be disadvantageous. Try it. It works.
Best,
tectak
______________________________________________________
here we go, it´s plain and preachy again. if i only knew how to make it more subtle.
Reply


Messages In This Thread
mother - by vagabond - 11-21-2014, 01:56 AM
RE: mother - by Filíocht - 11-21-2014, 02:36 AM
RE: mother - by jonatron5 - 11-23-2014, 03:03 PM
RE: mother - by vagabond - 11-23-2014, 11:59 PM
RE: mother - by lock1 - 11-24-2014, 03:44 PM
RE: mother - by Dymun Fengshui - 12-14-2014, 03:45 PM
RE: mother - by Bunx - 12-15-2014, 04:04 AM
RE: mother - by tectak - 12-15-2014, 04:55 PM
RE: mother - by BW BRINE - 12-17-2014, 03:40 AM
RE: mother - by hestaredattheskyasiftoaskwhy - 01-23-2015, 11:09 PM
RE: mother - by Erthona - 02-10-2015, 12:31 PM
RE: mother - by belkar - 02-11-2015, 05:47 AM
RE: mother - by vagabond - 05-10-2017, 08:22 AM
RE: mother - by 67eager - 05-11-2017, 04:58 AM
RE: mother - by vagabond - 05-11-2017, 01:04 PM
RE: mother - by billy - 05-11-2017, 02:51 PM
RE: mother - by billy - 05-11-2017, 12:33 PM
RE: mother - by billy - 05-11-2017, 03:04 PM
RE: mother - by vagabond - 05-11-2017, 03:39 PM
RE: mother - by Branddix - 05-14-2017, 09:25 AM
RE: mother - by nibbed - 05-14-2017, 10:55 AM
RE: mother - by vagabond - 05-14-2017, 11:07 AM
RE: mother - by nibbed - 05-14-2017, 11:23 AM



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