12-11-2014, 02:39 PM
Samantha Susan,
Your rhyme scheme is carried out well although there is no apparent meter besides the occasional few feet of iambic.
The line "Something in the way you move" is very close to the opening line in a very popular George Harrison song, while he was still in that little group he was it. The name eludes me at the moment. Anyway the Song is called "Something" and the first line goes,
"Something in the way she moves" (http://www.metrolyrics.com/something-lyr...atles.html)
Still, the song came out in 1969 and you have probably never heard of it, but you might want to find a different way to say that line.
The second set of lines make no sense to me. What is being disapproved? And what does it mean that he is "looking to the galaxy's edge". There is no context to make sense out of this. I mean I could guess, except I am morally opposed to guessing so it leaves me in bad place if a writer doesn't give me enough information to do anything other than guess
The next two lines are endearing if somewhat pointless, nothing wrong with that, it sets the tone.
The last two lines merely restate the two ships passing in the night theme.
So although you make a valiant effort to create something fresh, some cliches still seep through, just with a new coat of paint.
Love poetry is probably the most difficult poetry to write, yet it is nearly always the first type of poem people post on here. This poem is much better than most, simply by the fact that it does not try to incorporate any of the well worn words that generally show up in love poetry.
Best of luck, Welcome to the site,
Dale
Your rhyme scheme is carried out well although there is no apparent meter besides the occasional few feet of iambic.
The line "Something in the way you move" is very close to the opening line in a very popular George Harrison song, while he was still in that little group he was it. The name eludes me at the moment. Anyway the Song is called "Something" and the first line goes,
"Something in the way she moves" (http://www.metrolyrics.com/something-lyr...atles.html)
Still, the song came out in 1969 and you have probably never heard of it, but you might want to find a different way to say that line.
The second set of lines make no sense to me. What is being disapproved? And what does it mean that he is "looking to the galaxy's edge". There is no context to make sense out of this. I mean I could guess, except I am morally opposed to guessing so it leaves me in bad place if a writer doesn't give me enough information to do anything other than guess
The next two lines are endearing if somewhat pointless, nothing wrong with that, it sets the tone.
The last two lines merely restate the two ships passing in the night theme.
So although you make a valiant effort to create something fresh, some cliches still seep through, just with a new coat of paint
.Love poetry is probably the most difficult poetry to write, yet it is nearly always the first type of poem people post on here. This poem is much better than most, simply by the fact that it does not try to incorporate any of the well worn words that generally show up in love poetry.
Best of luck, Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.