12-05-2014, 11:54 AM
(12-02-2014, 01:19 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Why write love letters,
why write love letters in November?
As fading ghosts to blow an ember? (I like this line, but the question mark detracts from the haunting feeling of it because of the repetitive questions throughout the entire piece. Perhaps there is a level of uncertainty you want circling around this, but I think giving it a period and making it a statement will have more impact.)
Why face the rain,
why face the rain in sudden shiver?
As if looking for one lost forever? (Same feeling towards the question mark in this line.)
I can't. ("I can't" has become an overused line, but I understand that you're trying to deeply convey the inability of tolerating.)
It's all cold now, blowing strong. (There's something iffy here with the punctuation. A comma doesn't seem the right fit, maybe shoot for a semicolon.)
The murmurs of rattling windows forewarn
a suffocating grey wetness reaching out through the treeline (I grew up having learned that "gray" is a color and "grey" is a name. Though, I see that it differs with countries, but my brain gives me a hard time when I see the spelling of "grey" used for a color, so it's more of a personal preference.)
to bang on shutters and howl at doors. (Overall, this last stanza is beautiful.)
Again too sick for December's creep. (I love the use of "creep" here, as it can be taken in many ways but each way is still just as haunting. Personally, I'm okay with the use of "again" because you want us to know this feeling is and has been overwhelmingly repetitive.)
A poem with strong potential--good job!
"Place nothing above the verdict of your own mind."
- Ayn Rand
- Ayn Rand

