12-05-2014, 03:33 AM
who the fuck is Lara Grace?
(12-05-2014, 03:27 AM)Erthona Wrote: Nice jaunty iambic tetrameter(mostly) with incidental rhyme both end and interior rhyme.
On form.
L9 meter is off. subtract "and" add "your" after "perhaps". "(perhaps (your) tits) but blocking you"
L10 A line of iambic hexameter, still it works just fine as it causes no bumps in the reading.
L11 drop the second "can" "can claim his own. Hang on, I hear the phone." iambic pentameter
L13 Possibly consider adding "here" before "take two", since you've completely gone off meter anyway. This seems to reintroduce the jauntiness of the poem in the last sentence and thus not end on a flat note (or so it seems to me).
"Yes, me too. Cookies anyone? Here take two."
I suppose the break down of the meter could be purposeful, but if it is, I think whatever you were trying to achieve by doing so has completely bypassed me. Of course that may have to do with who Jane Grace is.
On content.
In terms of the subject, I must assume that this is something that is endemic to the UK, or something you just pulled out of your ass, that is some arcane piece of trivia, but I have no idea about who is "Laura Grace". Are you referring to "Laura Jane Grace" the transgender woman, punk rock and roll guitarist. Somehow that doesn't seem to fit the poem. Its easy to pick up on the sexual innuendo, but it remains sterile as there is no solid body in which to insert it.
Maybe you could enlighten me oh besotted master.
Sappy Bollywood daze,
dale