12-04-2014, 08:31 AM
(12-03-2014, 06:12 AM)EileenGreay Wrote: Da steht ein LindenbaumWelcome back,Eilean.
A rough sort of love for life;
a love which shivers and shakes off
blankets, patchwork quilts of leaves.
The love of twigs, snapping
underfoot, between finger and thumb;
bark on soft palms and rivulets of sap.
I have been digging; densely packing
earth beneath nails. Cementing up
gaps of self, building my limbs anew.
Lips cracked; caked, clayed, and cloyed.
Hands clasped at the root: a prayer,
half-sung, murmured. Held for just a breath.
This is commitment verse.....rare at the moment. It has a destination, it goes, and it arrives. A very structured and beautifully connected piece. On that consideration I have to say that it is over-punctuated within its own genre...over activity in the colon department. Now, I know that you know the value of the colonic hiatus...that pensive hold, the pause that pleases...but I really believe you are sacrificing the sensitivity of interpretion on the altar of acutance. The last stanza is broken like a biscuit in to crumbs by the semicolon, comma, comma, period, colon,comma, period, period...and only three lines. I am not saying it is wrong or that it fails but only that it is out of place. The piece is viscous enough to flow like honey...why let it crystallise?
This me liking it though S2 suffers from metaphorical proximity problems....underfoot twixt thumb and finger...but you knew that already. Why do I bother
Very best,
tectak