Trouble

[tectak]

Edited version 1.1 - below thanks for the feedback...thinking about other comments...


The path behind our childhood home
ran fast to trouble unbeknown. This line needs help. If you insist on AABB rhyme scheme, the simplest, then keep it simple. " led us to troubles still unknown."
A farmers gate, a barn of hay, The farmer's gate, barn full of hay
lay in-wait that sunny day. lay temptingly that  summer day
No more rewrites. You get the (simple) picture. Your poem

With tales and waves to Mum and Dad,Unless your parents were called Mum and Dad, an incredible coincidence, capitals are not needed...no matter how much you loved them
we took to where we should not had. Absolutely ghastly. Almost criminal grammar. You should had of been shot. Conversely, you are the victim...of rhyme-crime. Forced rhyme? This is extruded. Change it
Mum thinks we’re going to the park. Check your meter...it could be right but hmmmm.
We promised we’d be back by dark.

The gate was rusted, old and iron, Only iron rusts. It is what iron does in oxygen. It is Iron Oxide. Rust. I cannot help myself. The gate was old, of rusty iron;
unscaled, but not for want of trying.......crap rhyme but you started it
but scale it not for want of tryin’. Oh good grief. Are you Vogon?
Push and pull and shake and crack, Just how does one, or two for that matter, crack? Look, it is a nice idea but if you cannot rhyme, don't. Credit, though, for trying. Just remember that YOU are in charge of the poem...not vice versa. Whip it in to place. Make it obey you. Do not lie down and whimper out weak rhymes. Change it to make you happy. Your poem BUT:
We pushed and pulled, we shook it 'till
the hinges broke, the gate fell still....or something.
the gate lay down, now at our back.

A harvest moon one week prior, from one week prior. Meter again
had filled the barn to top, no higher.
We scampered hay-bale, slid and fell. Explain "scampered hay-bale" . You cannot. Nor can I. It is nonsense. You are on the wrong site to write  nonsense and be praised....and that is the good news.
Jumping, tripping, all was well.

Laughed and rolled from bale to stack.
Time it fell right off the track.
Sunlight dimmed and now was gone,
back home to rush. Come on! Come on! Omit this stanza completely. It is unworthy...and If  thine eye offends thee.....

Leaving fast, we flashed a match,
to find our way out from the patch. Wha? Wh? Whe? Patch? Patch? You were in a barn....last seen
A stumble over rake and scythe,
took the fire from our eyes. No. Enough. You are challenged by rhyme and you are defeated. Give in with honour. I cannot help you

Oil from tractors mixed with straw.
A fuse to light, our barn - no more!
A blaze to see for miles around,
and then us running to the crowd. A thankful ending.....at least for this reader.

You had a good idea. You wrote a poem about it. It did not take long to write. You did not read it out loud. You did not listen to what you had written. You got pissed with it after a stanza or two. You put it to death. You stuck it up on this site. I crit it. Will you respond? I doubt it. Do you care? Then tell me I am wrong.
Best,
tectak

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Original post below:

The path behind our childhood home
ran fast to trouble unbeknown.
A farmers gate, a barn of hay,
lay in-wait that summers day.

With tales and waves to Mum and Dad,
we set our feet where we should not had.
Mum thinks we’re going to the park.
We promised we’d be back by dark.

The gate was rust, old and iron,
but scale it not for want of tryin’.
Push and pull and shake and crack,
the gate lay down, now at our back.

A harvest moon one week prior,
had filled the barn to top, no higher.
We scampered bail and slid and fell.
Jumping, tripping, all was well.

Laughed and rolled from fort to stack.
Time it fell right off the track.
Sunlight dimmed and now was gone,
back home to rush, come on, come on.

Leaving fast we flashed a match,
to find our way out from the patch.
A stumble over rake and pitch,
took our fire to the ditch.

Oil from tractors mixed with straw.
A fuse to light, our barn - no more!
A blaze to see for miles around,
and then us running from the ground.