12-02-2014, 11:43 AM
(11-26-2014, 07:29 PM)makeshift Wrote: A silver bell hoversI think the ambiguity of "louder in the earth than my ears" is neither intentional nor good. Of course I am certain you want to avoid repeating "in" - louder in the earth than in my ears" - but I can't really see an alternative here.
above the skylight—
louder in the earth
than my ears.
Quote:It sinks,This image right here is just about perfect - inspired really, i wish I'd thought of it.
slowly through the ceiling
like a dime descending
to the ocean floor
Quote:then engulfs the colourminor typo - only 1 'f' in "of".
off the off-white walls
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast
I think forcing a time sequence in a poem that mostly seems to defy them is a mistake so i would suggest replacing "then" with "and"
Quote:and piece by piecethis is mostly fine. There is something sonically ugly about "only me and it" so if it could be reworded all the better.
pulls the whole house
between it's lips.
Only me and it remain—
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon.
Quote:I feel it's concaves"Its" possessive has no apostrophe. I wonder if you need the possession at all. This might be a place where some ambiguity could be intentional - "I feel the concaves colliding with mine"
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other,
a hole inside a hole.
Overall, I think it is fantastic. The line breaks are surprisingly good in such short lines, the image is drawn perfectly, the sonics are pleasant. i wouldn't mind more closure to the metaphor but it is also fine as it is - left dangling.
Thanks for posting, I enjoyed reading.

