11-30-2014, 01:54 PM
(11-30-2014, 06:08 AM)Ribo Wrote: The path behind our childhood homeI enjoyed the story.. I anticipated the danger that would come at the end.. so I am glad you provided some. I think there are a few missed opportunities to provide clearer pictures.
ran fast to trouble unbeknown.
A farmers gate, a barn of hay,
lay in-wait that summers day.
With tales and waves to Mum and Dad,
we set our feet where we should not had. I stumble on this. My thought would be a period after "feet". And then simply "We should not have."
Mum thinks we’re going to the park.
We promised we’d be back by dark.
The gate was rust, old and iron, missing something in the meter? Like..the gate was rusted, old and iron.. ?
but scale it not for want of tryin’. this.. just a bit confusing.. why couldn't you scale it? But you could break it..
Push and pull and shake and crack, good opportunity to really describe how you made it crack
the gate lay down, now at our back.
A harvest moon one week prior,
had filled the barn to top, no higher. I think it's cute the "harvest" moon filled it with hay.
We scampered bail and slid and fell.
Jumping, tripping, all was well.
Laughed and rolled from fort to stack.
Time it fell right off the track.
Sunlight dimmed and now was gone,
back home to rush, come on, come on. maybe "Come on! Come on!"
Leaving fast we flashed a match, Leaving fast, we flashed a match
to find our way out from the patch.
A stumble over rake and pitch,
took our fire to the ditch.
Oil from tractors mixed with straw.
A fuse to light, our barn - no more!
A blaze to see for miles around,
and then us running from the ground.
Thank you for sharing.
