11-30-2014, 08:24 AM
Ribo,
I'm not sure that iambic tetrameter is the best meter for this poem (I personally think it is better for the comedic poem, although this is lighthearted until the end), but it is a valiant attempt regardless. You might consider dropping the rhyming couplets and going with an abab rhyme pattern, to give it a little more serious tone. L6 is out of meter.
There seems some possibly gratuitous, or erroneous phrases. Such as
"A harvest moon one week prior, had filled the barn to top" I'm not sure how a moon fills a barn.
I have done things similar, even so I think your description needs some tightening. You introduce the terms "fort" and "stack" as though the reader should know what they are. Same with "bail". Even thirty years ago this would have still been common knowledge, but now I think it would more likely to be associated being jailed, or bailing out, rather than a hay bail. Maybe similar problems with rake and pitch, especially pitch fork. To my knowledge,when describing the implement it is generally referred to as pitch fork, because pitch, when used as a noun generally refers to "coal tar". So I think you are using the abbreviation to solely stay within meter. I think you need to find a better solution.
The last line I would ask, "is the ground chasing you?" " us running from the ground"
It's a fun nostalgic look at farm life, just needs a little more clarity. Don't assume your reader will know the terms related to the farm, you are using. Most people have never been on a farm, and few movies or TV shows actually show the workings of a farm these days. Keep that in mind when thinking about what you might need to explain.
Dale
I'm not sure that iambic tetrameter is the best meter for this poem (I personally think it is better for the comedic poem, although this is lighthearted until the end), but it is a valiant attempt regardless. You might consider dropping the rhyming couplets and going with an abab rhyme pattern, to give it a little more serious tone. L6 is out of meter.
There seems some possibly gratuitous, or erroneous phrases. Such as
"A harvest moon one week prior, had filled the barn to top" I'm not sure how a moon fills a barn.
I have done things similar, even so I think your description needs some tightening. You introduce the terms "fort" and "stack" as though the reader should know what they are. Same with "bail". Even thirty years ago this would have still been common knowledge, but now I think it would more likely to be associated being jailed, or bailing out, rather than a hay bail. Maybe similar problems with rake and pitch, especially pitch fork. To my knowledge,when describing the implement it is generally referred to as pitch fork, because pitch, when used as a noun generally refers to "coal tar". So I think you are using the abbreviation to solely stay within meter. I think you need to find a better solution.
The last line I would ask, "is the ground chasing you?" " us running from the ground"
It's a fun nostalgic look at farm life, just needs a little more clarity. Don't assume your reader will know the terms related to the farm, you are using. Most people have never been on a farm, and few movies or TV shows actually show the workings of a farm these days. Keep that in mind when thinking about what you might need to explain.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.