virtual

[azure]

virtual
 
I´m in a spider web that leads me anywhere Obviously the interwebs
as I stare into a flickering monitor. I think you should replace 'flickering' with a more descriptive synonym.
No use to touch the screen, none to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire. the rhyme was okay, but the language choice made it seem forced.
 
But how was I trapped in this tractor beam? again, 'trapped' seems too dull a verb. Crack open that thesaurus!
Incapable of disconnecting from a dream, liked this line.
paralysed by longing or by desperation, cut the second 'by'
swallowing the toxins of this revelation. cut 'this'
 
The den of thieves shall be set free in cyberspace.'free' doesn't seem appropriate, maybe replace with "loose"?
I long to pour my feelings out among the virtual waste, replace 'pour' with "spew".. or something more lively but more to your liking.
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world another unreal day. okay rhyme, yet once again the language of the last two lines made it seem clumsy and forced.
 
 


edit.



I am not here but could be anywhere
as I stare into a flickering monitor.
No use to touch the screen or to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire.
 
To lose the ground is easy in this stream.        
It only seems controlled, this lucid dream.
I´m paralysed by longing or by desperation
and swallowing the toxins of this revelation.
 
Unlock the den of thieves in cyberspace,  
and pour my feelings out among the virtual waste,
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world. Another unreal day.



 ____________________________________________
maybe depressive bullshit. I am thankful for every critic.  
 
furthermore those lines were slightly inspired by another poem posted here, hope that´s not copyright infringement.

Overall, the idea and subject matter of this piece was interesting, yet your forced rhymes and borderline cliche way of expressing them lacked vitality. I suggest rewording some of lines containing rhymes, so they read less forced. I also found that you could heighten the poem's descriptive language with interesting synonyms and jarring verbs. Kudos for trying to tackle a meaty subject. Keep at it.

Azure