11-27-2014, 09:07 AM
(11-27-2014, 08:58 AM)Requiem Wrote: Aw. Sad face. But its got feels and imagery, so I like it a lot. A few suggestions:
Lines 2 and 3 are contradictory - the narrator says they long to be free, but in the next breath calls freedom a fallacy whilst we survive. Pick one.
From the beginning, go 14 lines down... "and in a cage, we rage..." Rage Cage... Nick Cage... Ugh... But I digress. Why does the "vexatious" (it's a "t," not a "c") nature of time make people so angry in your poem when, from the people I know, it's pretty much accepted as a part of life, without much quarrel? Clarification would be nice.
And... maybe this is just a "me" problem, but I don't like how "cage" and "rage" rhyme with each other as well as "age" from the previous line... it's also the only triple-rhyme-y thing in the poem. Maybe put a different emotion in there and switch things around so that the line ends with "cage," keeping the regular rhyme scheme... or just find another word instead of cage, such as "grasp" or "clasp."
Moving down some more, "Though now I rant against my slot..." Maybe "lot" instead of "slot," slot as in "slotted in" as one's lot is their luck or whatever fate has decided for them (and that seems to be what you're going on about).
Finally, the next line - the specificity (is that a word?) of "dementia" is off-putting... ONLY the demented are allowed to hear your voicebecause they will forget... if you're looking to keep the same syllable count that the line already has, consider changing its beginning to "Let one with insanity" or something.
Other than that, great job. Good luck! (and remain fit and well)