11-27-2014, 06:23 AM
lock1 (unregistered) I wonder how this person is posting but is still unregistered.
This is like a Butterfly poem in that most everyone feels compelled to do one of these at some point in time. The common theme in all of them is that someone was responsible for their own death. The attitude towards the character ranges from extremely negative (he/she was self-center and never thought of anyone but himself even in death) to extremely positive (he sacrificed himself that others might live, he was a real hero). So this is much covered ground. It is fairly archetypal a large amount of possibilities are covered in mythologizes. From the hero, to the dunce.
Don't cap every line, cap the start of a line only if it begins a sentence. This makes it much easier for your readers to read your poem. Put periods at the end of sentences. Stanza 1 (S1) cannot be one sentence. So maybe:
Loneliness does not falter in its inconvenience.
It does not wait until you can kiss your own skin
and tell yourself that you are all you require;
(or) that comfort from others is but a false excuse for security. Maybe replace "but" with "just" purely personal
possible words choice option S1
Loneliness never falters in its inconvenience.
S2
"It creeps through your shutters the night after you were left" tense agreement problem
It creeps (present tense) were left (past tense)
Possible solution: "It crept through your shutters the night after you were left"
Need a period after S2 L2 "they'd be right back."
S2 L3 New sentence. Drop "but" cap "you"
"You were too enticed by the warmth of whiskey on your soul"
To figure that they wouldn't." Possibly: to realize they wouldn't. "Figure" when used this way is usually identified as slang, and even when using it with "out", as in "To figure out..." As this poem has no necessary justifiable need to use slang, or a regional dialects, so using either can be problematic in this poem.
In my mind " enticed by the warmth of whiskey on your soul" is somewhat senseless. Usually it is the belly that whiskey warms. I'm not even "sure what the warmth of whiskey" has to do with ones soul, since the soul is not a physical organ. How then is one enticed (beguiled, or coaxed) by the warmth... See if you substitute synonyms of enticed in its place, it doesn't really convey much meaning.
Sorry. It looks like it should make sense, but when one breaks it down it falls apart. Maybe something along the lines of "you were too entranced by whiskey's deadening of your feeling of isolation." Well, that's still pretty clumsy, but definitely something along the lines of "entranced".
"Engulfed in solitude" I'm not sure that is even possible. Solitude is generally understood to mean physical separation, loneliness is more akin to a mental or an emotional separation from others, generally characterized such feelings as depressed, hopeless, and so forth. So even though in some cases they can be synonyms, they cannot in all. How would it sound to write engulfed in nothing, emptiness. However as I was writing this I realized that it would be the same problem if you used loneliness instead of solitude, so maybe the problem is in the phrase, "engulfed in". Items that work with "engulfed" are usually plural. Engulfed in sweaters, in chairs, popcorn, but not engulfed in a chair, or an ocean, or a car. I'm sure there are exceptions (blanket), but as a general rule it holds.
Most important: Drop the last two lines, it weakens the rest of the poem, and it greatly weakens a very strong ending.
I would say welcome to the site, but evidently you have yet to get here.
Dale
This is like a Butterfly poem in that most everyone feels compelled to do one of these at some point in time. The common theme in all of them is that someone was responsible for their own death. The attitude towards the character ranges from extremely negative (he/she was self-center and never thought of anyone but himself even in death) to extremely positive (he sacrificed himself that others might live, he was a real hero). So this is much covered ground. It is fairly archetypal a large amount of possibilities are covered in mythologizes. From the hero, to the dunce.
Don't cap every line, cap the start of a line only if it begins a sentence. This makes it much easier for your readers to read your poem. Put periods at the end of sentences. Stanza 1 (S1) cannot be one sentence. So maybe:
Loneliness does not falter in its inconvenience.
It does not wait until you can kiss your own skin
and tell yourself that you are all you require;
(or) that comfort from others is but a false excuse for security. Maybe replace "but" with "just" purely personal
possible words choice option S1
Loneliness never falters in its inconvenience.
S2
"It creeps through your shutters the night after you were left" tense agreement problem
It creeps (present tense) were left (past tense)
Possible solution: "It crept through your shutters the night after you were left"
Need a period after S2 L2 "they'd be right back."
S2 L3 New sentence. Drop "but" cap "you"
"You were too enticed by the warmth of whiskey on your soul"
To figure that they wouldn't." Possibly: to realize they wouldn't. "Figure" when used this way is usually identified as slang, and even when using it with "out", as in "To figure out..." As this poem has no necessary justifiable need to use slang, or a regional dialects, so using either can be problematic in this poem.
In my mind " enticed by the warmth of whiskey on your soul" is somewhat senseless. Usually it is the belly that whiskey warms. I'm not even "sure what the warmth of whiskey" has to do with ones soul, since the soul is not a physical organ. How then is one enticed (beguiled, or coaxed) by the warmth... See if you substitute synonyms of enticed in its place, it doesn't really convey much meaning.
Sorry. It looks like it should make sense, but when one breaks it down it falls apart. Maybe something along the lines of "you were too entranced by whiskey's deadening of your feeling of isolation." Well, that's still pretty clumsy, but definitely something along the lines of "entranced".
"Engulfed in solitude" I'm not sure that is even possible. Solitude is generally understood to mean physical separation, loneliness is more akin to a mental or an emotional separation from others, generally characterized such feelings as depressed, hopeless, and so forth. So even though in some cases they can be synonyms, they cannot in all. How would it sound to write engulfed in nothing, emptiness. However as I was writing this I realized that it would be the same problem if you used loneliness instead of solitude, so maybe the problem is in the phrase, "engulfed in". Items that work with "engulfed" are usually plural. Engulfed in sweaters, in chairs, popcorn, but not engulfed in a chair, or an ocean, or a car. I'm sure there are exceptions (blanket), but as a general rule it holds.
Most important: Drop the last two lines, it weakens the rest of the poem, and it greatly weakens a very strong ending.
I would say welcome to the site, but evidently you have yet to get here.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.