11-27-2014, 03:29 AM
Interesting message, but I feel that a few structural changes could be made to increase the impact. Consider these:
Line 1: Delete "to," grammatically incorrect as is
Line 3: A bit awkward. Maybe "To that which he clings, he'll never depart."
Line 6: Wordy. Maybe "Iron will, his greatest virtue."
Line 8: Delete "as"
Line 16: This is the only line in the poem in which the narrator refers to theirself (is that a word?), and so it feels like a filler sentence to me. It's kinda like when you're reading a book, and all of a sudden a new character appears out of nowhere without introduction, and you're left confused and wondering who they are. I would create a new line that keeps the narrator detached.
Line 18: "alongside their greatest virtue." Looking back, I see that their "greatest virtue" is a strong will. However, I didn't pick this up when I first read it through, so just bear in mind that a reader is going to want to understand things right away (or by the end of the poem, at least) and aren't going to want to go back to double check things.
Other than that, I thought the last four lines were pretty deep. Good luck with your writing!
Line 1: Delete "to," grammatically incorrect as is
Line 3: A bit awkward. Maybe "To that which he clings, he'll never depart."
Line 6: Wordy. Maybe "Iron will, his greatest virtue."
Line 8: Delete "as"
Line 16: This is the only line in the poem in which the narrator refers to theirself (is that a word?), and so it feels like a filler sentence to me. It's kinda like when you're reading a book, and all of a sudden a new character appears out of nowhere without introduction, and you're left confused and wondering who they are. I would create a new line that keeps the narrator detached.
Line 18: "alongside their greatest virtue." Looking back, I see that their "greatest virtue" is a strong will. However, I didn't pick this up when I first read it through, so just bear in mind that a reader is going to want to understand things right away (or by the end of the poem, at least) and aren't going to want to go back to double check things.
Other than that, I thought the last four lines were pretty deep. Good luck with your writing!