Menial
#4
(11-25-2014, 10:24 AM)Essuie Wrote:  All the resources of modern life at hand Why the spacing below? I think it's distracting .

Infinite choices, possibilities
Why choose something so simple, so clearly meaningless  Here we go, the poem is setting up to become a lecture...
As to spend time with menial tasks, attempting nothing to better your life  I think the holier-than-thou overtone of this line (and poem) will quickly disinterest readers. You do have clear, concise language which is good.
The lives of others 
The world. 
How can I be so ignorant?  An attempt to place your self in the shoes of the sinners?  It failed.
How can you?

The universe is waiting 
Feel the pull, the awe
Of the unimaginable complexity that sits dormant  the word choice here is dull and has been used a million times to explain a fairly traversed concept.
Waiting for a discovery
A daring realization  'daring' doesn't fit right here and is somewhat comical.
That to hide behind the false sense of pride, 
Of satisfaction with mediocrity   Again, the preachy tone you are implementing here kills the poem's expression.
Is to further dismantle the ever evolving movement of ideas 

Don't hide behind the sensational, embrace it
Incorporate the idea of infinity into your perspective 
Encapsulate possibilities into thoughts 
Into ideas 
Into reality 
Into a differentiated section of consciousness 
A well of meaning no longer waiting to be tapped 
Ready to destroy pointlessness with the tip of a thought   this last stanza seems to lack a certain ingenuity of metaphor and
imagery that breathes new life and perspective into the subject matter itself.
This poem to me was very preachy in its tone and message. I understand that it was intended to be more of a rallying call, but it fell short of that. I have to agree with dale, menial tasks can be enlightening in their own right, and I think that their appreciation helps us to not take for granted the many mundane aspects of our existence. You do have a conciseness about your poem, and that is a very valuable thing to possess poetically. However, your word choice was boring, and the lack of potent imagery was troubling for me as a reader. Thanks

Azure
cliche my forte
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Messages In This Thread
Menial - by Essuie - 11-25-2014, 10:24 AM
RE: Menial - by Erthona - 11-25-2014, 11:46 AM
RE: Menial - by Liz11 - 11-25-2014, 12:58 PM
RE: Menial - by azure - 11-25-2014, 02:57 PM
RE: Menial - by calypist - 11-30-2014, 11:23 AM
RE: Menial - by QDeathstar - 12-01-2014, 08:26 AM



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