11-25-2014, 07:46 AM
Loneliness does not falter in its inconvenience
It does not wait until you can kiss your own skin
And tell yourself that you are all you require
That the comfort of others is but a false excuse for security.
Maybe that line could go.
The first three lines sound nice together, but the first line doesn't go anywhere, it's pretty flat.
It creeps through your shutters the night after you were left
Alone in a bar because they promised they'd be right back
But you were too enticed by the warmth of whiskey on your soul
To figure that they wouldn't.
That has the kind of charm I like, a kind of charm. As a part of this poem, it's bad writing. But you could do something with it. Right back? Or, back? They'd be back? Right back has the appropriate delicacy and urgency though.
It finds you alone in a strange motel outside of town
Where the odors of a lover you only knew linger on cheap cotton sheets
Paired with the hope that maybe they would stay.
A lover you only knew is a good line. The stuff after it lessens the effect a bit. Even if you ended the line with knew. Maybe return instead of stay?
It finds you at three o'clock in the morning on the bathroom floor
Engulfed in solitude it convinces you that maybe pills could be good company
Or perhaps a pair of scissors.
It is four o'clock in the morning when you discover loneliness has lied to you
As your vision blurs and you can no longer recall
Whether your shirt was crimson or white when you put it on,
The realization sets in that it would have been better to live lonely
that maybe pills could be good company
Or perhaps a pair of scissors
that almost works. At the same time, it feels no good because of the rest of the poem. Not quite too good for the poem.
The mounting theme of the other parts above is weak.
Because while loneliness is inconvenient
So is death.
It does not wait until you can kiss your own skin
And tell yourself that you are all you require
That the comfort of others is but a false excuse for security.
Maybe that line could go.
The first three lines sound nice together, but the first line doesn't go anywhere, it's pretty flat.
It creeps through your shutters the night after you were left
Alone in a bar because they promised they'd be right back
But you were too enticed by the warmth of whiskey on your soul
To figure that they wouldn't.
That has the kind of charm I like, a kind of charm. As a part of this poem, it's bad writing. But you could do something with it. Right back? Or, back? They'd be back? Right back has the appropriate delicacy and urgency though.
It finds you alone in a strange motel outside of town
Where the odors of a lover you only knew linger on cheap cotton sheets
Paired with the hope that maybe they would stay.
A lover you only knew is a good line. The stuff after it lessens the effect a bit. Even if you ended the line with knew. Maybe return instead of stay?
It finds you at three o'clock in the morning on the bathroom floor
Engulfed in solitude it convinces you that maybe pills could be good company
Or perhaps a pair of scissors.
It is four o'clock in the morning when you discover loneliness has lied to you
As your vision blurs and you can no longer recall
Whether your shirt was crimson or white when you put it on,
The realization sets in that it would have been better to live lonely
that maybe pills could be good company
Or perhaps a pair of scissors
that almost works. At the same time, it feels no good because of the rest of the poem. Not quite too good for the poem.
The mounting theme of the other parts above is weak.
Because while loneliness is inconvenient
So is death.