virtual

[Brownlie]

virtual
 
I´m in a spider web that leads me anywhere
as I stare into a flickering monitor.
No use to touch the screen, none to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire.
 
But how was I trapped in this tractor beam?
Incapable of disconnecting from a dream,
paralysed by longing or by desperation,
swallowing the toxins of this revelation.
 
The den of thieves shall be set free in cyberspace.
I long to pour my feelings out among the virtual waste,
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world another unreal day.

 

Throughout most of this you seem to be overwriting in an attempt at end rhyme.  This causes a couple problems.  First, the grammatical structures are twisted into awkward, sometimes unparsable phrasing.  Second, you really want to cut to the bones in poetry - try to say much with little, and instead you are padding it out exorbitantly.  And, finally, your rhyme is not supported properly with meter.  Non-metric rhyme causes an unpleasant dischord in the music of poetry.  I would suggest you try some of the practice examples for rhyming form before forcing rhyme into your poetry.


Phrases like "I'm in a spiderweb that leads me anywhere" don't actually make a lot of sense in English.
even when I want to refer to the internet?

Same with "no use to touch the screen none to inquire".
Thanks for posting.

thanks for your crit. I think about some changes

I wouldn't use aabb or whatever for your rhyme scheme. Stuff on electracy, if that's what you want to call it, seems hot though. Web could express the metaphor much more tersely. If you use the word virtual there's a lot of potential and polysemy and what not.