virtual

[vagabond]

virtual
 
I´m in a spider web that leads me anywhere
as I stare into a flickering monitor.
No use to touch the screen, none to inquire
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire.
 
But how was I trapped in this tractor beam?
Incapable of disconnecting from a dream,
paralysed by longing or by desperation,
swallowing the toxins of this revelation.
 
The den of thieves shall be set free in cyberspace.
I long to pour my feelings out among the virtual waste,
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world another unreal day.

 

Throughout most of this you seem to be overwriting in an attempt at end rhyme.  This causes a couple problems.  First, the grammatical structures are twisted into awkward, sometimes unparsable phrasing.  Second, you really want to cut to the bones in poetry - try to say much with little, and instead you are padding it out exorbitantly.  And, finally, your rhyme is not supported properly with meter.  Non-metric rhyme causes an unpleasant dischord in the music of poetry.  I would suggest you try some of the practice examples for rhyming form before forcing rhyme into your poetry.


Phrases like "I'm in a spiderweb that leads me anywhere" don't actually make a lot of sense in English.
even when I want to refer to the internet?

Same with "no use to touch the screen none to inquire".
Thanks for posting.

thanks for your crit. I think about some changes