Demons dance in a blood-red sky

[Brownlie]

Hi all!

Last week was a bad week here in the Holy Land: Lots of death, misery and extremism all around. The phrase "Demons dance in a blood-red sky" just popped into my head last Monday evening & I sat up until almost 01:00 writing a first draft.

--Ok, metrically this shows promise. However, Demons dance in a blood-red sky doesn't do much aside from the great sound it provides. Blood is already red. So, perhaps you intend the particular shade of red? 

So...


Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie, -- I wouldn't use this rhyme scheme to start off (takes away the seriousness), that is my preference though.
above the lies for which they fell;
tears on Earth, delight in Hell. -- This is a very generalized thing to say about war.


Like Dover Beach and Flanders' fields
the ground a grisly harvest yields -- Syntactically this seems a little deviant to hold the meter, perhaps.
of noxious weeds and mangled shoots,
toxic dreams and caustic fruits.

Abel walks among the stars
but it is Cain who bears the scars.
Now I understand what Ecclesiastes said,
pity the living, not the dead.

Where are these demons who nimbly prance -- Nimbly prancing demons sounds a little comic to me, but I suppose I can be sarcastic. This line is a little off to.
in danse macabre with quill and lance? -- quill and lance is a sort of interesting variant on what appears to be the pen and the sword idea.
Dear God, dear God, they're coming nearer!
There! There! In the mirror! -- Kind of an interesting turn here at the end.


Demons dance in a blood-red sky
above the corpses where they lie.



Thanks in advance for reading.

nb

Well, you've got the metrical sound down for sure. However, I think your hindering yourself with phrases void of any referent (though the idea of sense may be liminal or something like that).

Thanks for posting.