Janitorial Worker

[milo]

paranoid marvin,

"Crone" is a good descriptive word, but it puts the focus on the woman and not on the situation, which is not what I intended. Although this is not a nature scene, I do think the transition from musty to clean (bleach) acts fairly well as the " kigo", and "mop" does serviceable well as the cutting word as in English we have no "saijiki" from which to draw. I suppose some may see this being closer to a senryū than haiku. Although this may be perceived as somewhat ironic, I think it is really not satiric at all, and it is less about human idiocies, and simply more about the passage of time, but I suppose it could be read either way.

Thanks for giving it a read. I always appreciate feedback whether I can use it or not, as it forces me to re-evaluate my rationale behind the poem.

Thanks,


Dale    

The adjectives in their current positions read "tired"

It would be more interesting to see a musty woman with a grey haired mop.