11-23-2014, 02:19 AM
paranoid marvin,
"Crone" is a good descriptive word, but it puts the focus on the woman and not on the situation, which is not what I intended. Although this is not a nature scene, I do think the transition from musty to clean (bleach) acts fairly well as the " kigo", and "mop" does serviceable well as the cutting word as in English we have no "saijiki" from which to draw. I suppose some may see this being closer to a senryū than haiku. Although this may be perceived as somewhat ironic, I think it is really not satiric at all, and it is less about human idiocies, and simply more about the passage of time, but I suppose it could be read either way.
Thanks for giving it a read. I always appreciate feedback whether I can use it or not, as it forces me to re-evaluate my rationale behind the poem.
Thanks,
Dale
"Crone" is a good descriptive word, but it puts the focus on the woman and not on the situation, which is not what I intended. Although this is not a nature scene, I do think the transition from musty to clean (bleach) acts fairly well as the " kigo", and "mop" does serviceable well as the cutting word as in English we have no "saijiki" from which to draw. I suppose some may see this being closer to a senryū than haiku. Although this may be perceived as somewhat ironic, I think it is really not satiric at all, and it is less about human idiocies, and simply more about the passage of time, but I suppose it could be read either way.
Thanks for giving it a read. I always appreciate feedback whether I can use it or not, as it forces me to re-evaluate my rationale behind the poem.
Thanks,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.