The Onset of Winter

[billy]

such line spacing or centre aligning works okay with concrete poetry but only if they represent something within the poem.  in places it feels too wordy. the comma's don't really work for me. mainly because it impounds the wordiness

She stands defiant,  beauty jarring  the impending grey. 

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.  what beauty? what describes such beauty, Byron showed the image of his loved one's beauty the reader saw what he meant they didn't read what he meant, here it's the beauty of winter, what does it look like

The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.   this for me is where it  becomes too much. pare back express something with a scalpel, try not to beat it to death with a hammer.
She shivers, a moment of weakness; 
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages, 
ripping at her flesh 
as innocent souls, where did the souls come from?
entranced, 
huddle against the cold onset of winter 
and watch the death of a flower.