04-02-2010, 03:23 PM
Loved this one. You've really outdone yourself.
That second stanza sounds really cool, too.
Some points: Not sure about the last two lines of the first stanza... I understand what it means, but it feels comparatively awkward to your other lines. Also in the last stanza, the line "so luminously strong...", I think it would be better if you could rework it to shed the adjective.
But really, this needs only minor edits
That second stanza sounds really cool, too.
Some points: Not sure about the last two lines of the first stanza... I understand what it means, but it feels comparatively awkward to your other lines. Also in the last stanza, the line "so luminously strong...", I think it would be better if you could rework it to shed the adjective.
But really, this needs only minor edits
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?