The Onset of Winter

[paranoid marvin]

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.
The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.
She shivers, a moment of weakness;
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages, -
ripping at her flesh
as innocent souls,
entranced,
huddle against the cold onset of winter
and watch the death of a flower.


A very good poem; makes me want to wrap up warm just thinking about it!

A few suggestions/thoughts:


The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.

Not sure why he would be 'viscous' (think and sticky)? How about creeping or encroaching?

He cedes, then violently his vast being rages,

Why would he cede? Especially if she is showing weakness? Would it be better to say that 'she' cedes?

And as has been mentioned 'violently' and 'rages' aren't both necessary.

Perhaps

'She cedes, a moment of weakness

As his vast body rages'

ripping at her flesh

This makes no sense, whether it is about a flower or Autumn. Perhaps substitute 'flesh' for 'essence'?

huddle against the cold onset of winter

No need for 'cold' if you have winter