The Onset of Winter

[azure]

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.  

The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.  

She shivers, a moment of weakness; 

He cedes, then violently his vast being rages, 

ripping at her flesh 

as innocent souls, 

entranced, 

huddle against the cold onset of winter 

and watch the death of a flower.

This poem is quite gripping and has potent images that jar and excite. At first I thought the repeated use of commas was a tad redundant, then upon further inspection, they added a sense of kinetic energy that was great. However, I didn't like the layout of this poem. I think it reduced the impact of the powerful images. Overall, I would suggest lightning up on the ambiguity and also using a more effective format. Thanks for the riveting read.

Azure