11-18-2014, 01:18 PM
(09-20-2014, 10:00 PM)Mwaba don Wrote: She moves fluidly on a circular stage.Okay here's some notes from a critiquing nube.As others have said, you are capturing a moment full of sensory possibilities. I say possibilities because this poem is rife with opportunity for imagery that really brings us there with the audience of the dancer. Also as others have said , I would refrain from using the same words so close together.
Her style flawless,
she becomes the sparkle as the audience fades. I dig this line. Is this the moment the lights dim and all eyes are on the dancer?
Slowly I become attractively restless I also didn't get this
as my fear of expression wanes. Or this fear/expression
I have to hold on to this moment of moving beauty.
I cannot afford to darkle,
So I hold my breath to soundly I also don't get soundly ( maybe that'd just me) watch the beautiful dancer.
She is so beautiful and feminine
yet I seem to capture the masculine execution of her dance,
she is a Perfect Muse, expressing her poetry in Dance maybe cut out in dance at the end. Its already clear she's dancing.
Also maybe this was just me but the end almost felt rushed. Anyway I dig this and am excited to see where this goes. ThAnks
