11-16-2014, 09:02 PM
Hi PB. I've highlighted and numbered the lines I have issues with in the quote below.
1) 'Alas' is pretty archaic, I'd avoid it. Plus it seems to work in contrast to what you're trying to say - it conveys a bad thing whereas the rest of the poem describes it as good. On a punctuation note, you've missed a space after the ellipsis. I wouldn't use ellipses in this poem full stop, I think they could easily be replaced by commas.
2) This is the start of a trend towards the end of you poem where the lines start to become too long and wordy. I'd at very least remove 'very' but I'd be more inclined to remove 'so very' entirely. Sometimes, less is more.
3) The punctuation and line break in these two lines is jarring. It reads like one long sentence, but is punctuated as two with the full stop. The first line is also far too long, as in (2). Cut out some of the fluff and keep it tight and concise.
4) Another line that is far too long. You know the deal: cut it, shorten it, sharpen it.
5) Punctuation - I'd replace the full stop with a comma. A full stop creates a pause that makes the poem stutter.
6) Punctuation - replace the ellipsis with a colon. This line is also too long, but I'd be inclined to break it into two at the expense of another line rather than shorten it like before. I think it's a strong and pleasant image and I wouldn't like to see that be lost.
7) Puntuation - again, replace the ellipsis with a colon and break the line up into two.
8) Word choice - 'impregnably' feels very crowbarred and wrenched, but I like the meaning you're going for. Just find something less clunky to describe it.
My suggestion would be to find some sort of tight framework to work around - a regular rhythm, rhyme scheme, meter etc that would just rein in your writing and coax it into that poetic form you're looking for.
I'll end by saying that I like the feelings your poetry seems to evoke. It's warm and powerful when it works, and I'd love to see it less diluted. Don't give up on this piece!
1) 'Alas' is pretty archaic, I'd avoid it. Plus it seems to work in contrast to what you're trying to say - it conveys a bad thing whereas the rest of the poem describes it as good. On a punctuation note, you've missed a space after the ellipsis. I wouldn't use ellipses in this poem full stop, I think they could easily be replaced by commas.
2) This is the start of a trend towards the end of you poem where the lines start to become too long and wordy. I'd at very least remove 'very' but I'd be more inclined to remove 'so very' entirely. Sometimes, less is more.
3) The punctuation and line break in these two lines is jarring. It reads like one long sentence, but is punctuated as two with the full stop. The first line is also far too long, as in (2). Cut out some of the fluff and keep it tight and concise.
4) Another line that is far too long. You know the deal: cut it, shorten it, sharpen it.
5) Punctuation - I'd replace the full stop with a comma. A full stop creates a pause that makes the poem stutter.
6) Punctuation - replace the ellipsis with a colon. This line is also too long, but I'd be inclined to break it into two at the expense of another line rather than shorten it like before. I think it's a strong and pleasant image and I wouldn't like to see that be lost.
7) Puntuation - again, replace the ellipsis with a colon and break the line up into two.
8) Word choice - 'impregnably' feels very crowbarred and wrenched, but I like the meaning you're going for. Just find something less clunky to describe it.
(11-16-2014, 07:42 PM)Pious Baloney Wrote: Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly. Thanks in advance.As a general note, the poem doesn't come across as being particularly poetic. It feels a bit like prose that's been cut up into stanzas, which does not make it poetry. This is especially noticeable in the later stanzas, where the lines start to become too long and woolly.
I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE
I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children. (1)
But how can I see it so far away?
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?
Because the sound is so very clean and pure. (2)
No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it. (3)
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children. (4)
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.
I challenge the world to bring me something good. (5)
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter. (6)
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child. (7)
That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. (8)
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.
My suggestion would be to find some sort of tight framework to work around - a regular rhythm, rhyme scheme, meter etc that would just rein in your writing and coax it into that poetic form you're looking for.
I'll end by saying that I like the feelings your poetry seems to evoke. It's warm and powerful when it works, and I'd love to see it less diluted. Don't give up on this piece!