Roles & Resentment

[MajestyApollo]

I found some of the lines in the first two stanzas to be a bit wishy washy. I'm sure you know what you mean when you write them, but as a reader they just pass over me without saying anything. Ultimately, they seem a bit like a string of meaningless syllables. Could you try to clear up the image? (In bold, below)

                                       Roles & Resentment



creeps, creeps everywhere
populating the underworld.
A society of executioners with no victims
judges them.
Security is a victimless crime.

creeps everywhere! pathetic monsters,
losers with no sense of pride
where pride isn't given;
everyone abides by a law of consent.

The third stanza is far more successful and hits us with some pretty vivid images. I think the meter starts to waver a bit - lines 1 and 3 in particular seem too long to stand by themselves without a powerful rhythm to drive them but generally this is great. I would question the parallel that seems to be drawn between soiling your pants and raping a child in public though - it's pretty jarring to have an embarrassing event compared to such a serious offence.

The final three lines are by far the strongest of the poem. They have a great sense of duality and really got me thinking. The drive the final stanza brilliantly, are just the right length and are clear and concise in what they're communicating.