Comfort Zone

[paranoid marvin]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

The idea of the girl napping just doesn't sit right with me. Snacked perhaps, daydreamed maybe, but napped makes it sound like she's led asleep, which I don't get is the intention.


on the bench beneath a nearby oak nearby is unnecessary. How about 'shedding oak'?

The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time;
I wanted a cup .

Wanting 'a cup' of her mouth doesn't work for me. Perhaps 'I wanted a sip' or a taste?


Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work.

Unnecessary 'and'. Also does lunchtime end or could it be 'Lunchtime over, I was late getting back to work'



and mulled over the days business

this is lunchtime. Would he not mull over the morning's business or the afternoon's business.



A very good poem, lots of lovely imagery there.