11-15-2014, 11:11 AM
Recovering Christian? 
This is visceral, as if all passions are digested and emerge as a smear of energy. Your sonics are excellent -- solid beat, great assonance/consonance and end rhymes that blend in perfectly.
The end-line punctuation is not consistent and I'd actually suggest removing it entirely. It's not required for pace and its absence would enhance the ambiguity of some of your enjambments.
Where are we? Mild critique... I should leave it at that
This is visceral, as if all passions are digested and emerge as a smear of energy. Your sonics are excellent -- solid beat, great assonance/consonance and end rhymes that blend in perfectly.
The end-line punctuation is not consistent and I'd actually suggest removing it entirely. It's not required for pace and its absence would enhance the ambiguity of some of your enjambments.
Where are we? Mild critique... I should leave it at that
It could be worse