11-15-2014, 10:41 AM
As this is in Misc. only a couple of things.
It's a bit wordy. Things like 'cylindrical metal' and 'the device' are a bit clunky. And far too many adjectives... or maybe just bad adjectives, I can't decide.
Also, the physics of the process you are describing just doesn't seem to work (it would be hard enough writing on a bullet with a ballpoint, but in blood with a quill?), and although the idea is there, if something seems infeasible then it can be very distracting, or at least detracts from the merit of the idea.
another thing, I assume this poem is supposed to be a serious one. And for the most part it reads as such. But then there is this punchline:
She whispered, "So they'll know he was
the last thing that went through my head".
which just sounds a bit silly, as if it was all leading up to this cymbal crash.
it reminded me of this really bad schoolboy joke:
Q: What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a car windshield?
A: His arse.
It's a bit wordy. Things like 'cylindrical metal' and 'the device' are a bit clunky. And far too many adjectives... or maybe just bad adjectives, I can't decide.
Also, the physics of the process you are describing just doesn't seem to work (it would be hard enough writing on a bullet with a ballpoint, but in blood with a quill?), and although the idea is there, if something seems infeasible then it can be very distracting, or at least detracts from the merit of the idea.
another thing, I assume this poem is supposed to be a serious one. And for the most part it reads as such. But then there is this punchline:
She whispered, "So they'll know he was
the last thing that went through my head".
which just sounds a bit silly, as if it was all leading up to this cymbal crash.
it reminded me of this really bad schoolboy joke:
Q: What is the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a car windshield?
A: His arse.