11-14-2014, 08:01 PM
Your poem tapped into my subconscious desire to be a bird for a day to see the world from way up high. A few food for thought considerations below.
From my perch, so high, above the painted land
I gaze upon, far below, dunes of desert sand
Where the sun shone down in juicy, golden rays
And warmed the belly of the earth for long, forgotten days
Now, wind picks up and thrashes ‘bout the tiny grains
Who, all alone, stand no chance against the drowning rains
Thunder rumbles o’er my fragile, dusted ledge
And clouds billow ‘cross majestic mountain hedge
Yet, on my perch, all is for a moment quiet <--- Reading this verse aloud as presented seemed a touch off. Perhaps consider; 'Yet on my perch, for a moment all is quiet'
Though endlessly beneath me, nature shivers in a riot <--- 'the world shivers in a riot'. Only suggested here in case in the next line you wanted to use mother nature.
Mother rushes, changing ‘round the old landscapes <--- 'Mother nature rushes in'. 'Mother rushes' seems incomplete...but perhaps I am interpreting your verse wrong.
At last, I flap my wings and make my great escape.
From my perch, so high, above the painted land
I gaze upon, far below, dunes of desert sand
Where the sun shone down in juicy, golden rays
And warmed the belly of the earth for long, forgotten days
Now, wind picks up and thrashes ‘bout the tiny grains
Who, all alone, stand no chance against the drowning rains
Thunder rumbles o’er my fragile, dusted ledge
And clouds billow ‘cross majestic mountain hedge
Yet, on my perch, all is for a moment quiet <--- Reading this verse aloud as presented seemed a touch off. Perhaps consider; 'Yet on my perch, for a moment all is quiet'
Though endlessly beneath me, nature shivers in a riot <--- 'the world shivers in a riot'. Only suggested here in case in the next line you wanted to use mother nature.
Mother rushes, changing ‘round the old landscapes <--- 'Mother nature rushes in'. 'Mother rushes' seems incomplete...but perhaps I am interpreting your verse wrong.
At last, I flap my wings and make my great escape.