Comfort Zone

[tectak]

Her smile sagged
the same way a crooked
painting forces you to notice it.No. You compare dissimilars. How can a sag force? It is also a clunky and ill-thought out sentence. You mean " Your attention is drawn to her sagging smile, as your eyes would be drawn to a crooked painting
 
I watched her relax while I ate egg salad
and mulled over the days business;
a leaf landed in her hair as she napped
on the bench beneath a nearby oak. ....obviously it was near or you would nor see her. Re phrase.
 
The air was crisp and her mouth was a kettle at tea time; The connnections between three statements are disorderly. The air was crisp...OK. but so what? Her mouth was a kettle (at tea time)...but not at any other time, like right now...er, lunchtime? I wanted a cup...past tense? Yes to concept, no to execution
I wanted a cup.
 
Lunchtime ended, and I was late getting back to work. I wish this made me feel something. Anything. Whistful musings ONLY work if they are amusing. This is just terminally weak

Hello,
There is a genuine attempt at genre (vignette?)here. You try to be laconic but in so doing you are getting minimalist. It is little ado about nothing. You need to get planning permission to develop the thing so prepare your case. Nice turns of phrase are currency. Once you've saved up a few more spend some on this piece. As it is there is just not enough to ......zzzzzzzz...zzzzzzzz....zzzzzzzz.
Best,
tectak