11-11-2014, 05:32 AM
Once again the heart has gained weight,
It is waiting for a feeling that never comes,
The first two lines are all right. Especially the first one.
The stomach hope that the moths, waking up in the shadow of my nervousness, will release their grip
The tear canals, holding the fort at all costs, hope to sometime be drained
I think those two at least sound interesting. Do you like those big sentence lines there, sectioned off by commas? The stomach hope, are you using stomach as an adjective? It sounds interesting, but it probably isn't meant to be like that.
Other peoples self-evident footsteps,
bears witness of souls so calm, so confident
What about the commas here? and the s on the bear?
Their peace of mind lies a thousand miles beyond me,
Their hearts weigh a hundred pounds below mine
The last two lines are interesting too. Overall it's interesting. I don't know how much is intentional though.
It is waiting for a feeling that never comes,
The first two lines are all right. Especially the first one.
The stomach hope that the moths, waking up in the shadow of my nervousness, will release their grip
The tear canals, holding the fort at all costs, hope to sometime be drained
I think those two at least sound interesting. Do you like those big sentence lines there, sectioned off by commas? The stomach hope, are you using stomach as an adjective? It sounds interesting, but it probably isn't meant to be like that.
Other peoples self-evident footsteps,
bears witness of souls so calm, so confident
What about the commas here? and the s on the bear?
Their peace of mind lies a thousand miles beyond me,
Their hearts weigh a hundred pounds below mine
The last two lines are interesting too. Overall it's interesting. I don't know how much is intentional though.