11-09-2014, 07:10 AM
Thanks, bena, dale. It's a slight tale, I don't care for the last verse, there's no great merit in the whole. Nevertheless
there's 3 we'd in the first verse, at least one too many, though I balk only at the repetition. We'd is fine as far as I'm concerned.
she made a suggestion
One evening was yawning
when she made a suggestion -
Obviously, I want to suggest that both parties are bored, so the evening yawns. It's a poem. The latter version is clearer.
We’d a semi-detached
with not much of a garden
I think the 2nd line makes clear enough what the first line is referring to. The idea that we shouldn't use terms that some readers aren't familiar with is a bit colonial, I'd have thought.
I happen to be reading something by William Faulkner at the moment. How would he have fared? What I ought to do is get rid of a We'd and have We were semi-detached. I will, actually.
I think you're right, Dale, about the winner. That's how it was originally but I persuaded myself otherwise.
The height of her thighs is the height of her thighs, not her hips.
A lot of what you are trying to describing is difficult to understand, due to poor word choice, unnecessary terseness, syntactical abnormalities, or simply not describing enough for the reader to visualize what you are trying to describe. As I said about one of your other poems, this seems like a lot to wade through to get to the punch line.
I've some sympathy with the 2nd sentence. I don't see any part of the poem as difficult to understand, though, and I'm surprised that anyone would. As for the rest I'd not dispute or agree, it's mostly a matter of taste. I'm grateful for the time spent. It's helped me see a few things differently.
there's 3 we'd in the first verse, at least one too many, though I balk only at the repetition. We'd is fine as far as I'm concerned.
she made a suggestion
One evening was yawning
when she made a suggestion -
Obviously, I want to suggest that both parties are bored, so the evening yawns. It's a poem. The latter version is clearer.
We’d a semi-detached
with not much of a garden
I think the 2nd line makes clear enough what the first line is referring to. The idea that we shouldn't use terms that some readers aren't familiar with is a bit colonial, I'd have thought.
I happen to be reading something by William Faulkner at the moment. How would he have fared? What I ought to do is get rid of a We'd and have We were semi-detached. I will, actually.
I think you're right, Dale, about the winner. That's how it was originally but I persuaded myself otherwise.
The height of her thighs is the height of her thighs, not her hips.
A lot of what you are trying to describing is difficult to understand, due to poor word choice, unnecessary terseness, syntactical abnormalities, or simply not describing enough for the reader to visualize what you are trying to describe. As I said about one of your other poems, this seems like a lot to wade through to get to the punch line.
I've some sympathy with the 2nd sentence. I don't see any part of the poem as difficult to understand, though, and I'm surprised that anyone would. As for the rest I'd not dispute or agree, it's mostly a matter of taste. I'm grateful for the time spent. It's helped me see a few things differently.
Before criticising a person try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise that person, you are a mile away.... and you have their shoes.