i know little about the form but if 575 is a guideline for haiku, why can't the syllable count be a guideline for the tanka? the first poem has a slower feel and a more mundane start to it. maybe a little to mundane. the sencond feels perfect for it's title. i like most of the content for reasons given below, i do think adhering to the word count restricts the poem.
thanks for the read
i forgot, the last line of the 2nd poem is my favourite, by replanting mom's faves i see her on about her mom's rooms and keeping them in any rebuilding
thanks for the read
i forgot, the last line of the 2nd poem is my favourite, by replanting mom's faves i see her on about her mom's rooms and keeping them in any rebuilding
(09-30-2014, 08:40 AM)ellajam Wrote: Winter
Your empty house sits i like the [sits] as it allows for some alliteration with the next [s]
snuggled in its same footprint, this has a warm feel to it yet by the 2nd stanza it isn't as cozy as it seemed, i like this because it makes it still feel lived in, would another word such as orchard or something else have more impact?
porches forming wings, winged porches sound tighter, you could add [the two] to make it fit your count, though the [the] wouldn't really be needed
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection.
Half glassed for winter,
half screened to catch summer's breeze,
your home sang your soul: sang, i quiet like it but wonder if the strict count is hindering a batter choice than sang,
cradled it during your stay,
released it to soar in joy.
Spring
Red geraniums
christen April's first boat ride; i like the start of this, it already feels upbeat and springtime
Alice's daughter
wakes her mother's home from sleep,
grandchildren wade the shoreline. altogether a great contrast to the first part.
Counting her pennies is [her] needed?
to buy what she can't let go, and she wants her mothers house,
she clears the hallways.
Blueprints drawn for room to grow,
she replants mom's favorites.
This was written when I first learned tanka, as 5/7/5/7/7. I edited it heavily and added punctuation here, trying to keep it's tanka heart and pivots. Here's my chance to ask all of you lovers of short form to take a new look at it with me. While I've let the syllable count go in new work, I still feel it gives this one bones, but maybe it's excess weight.
Any and all thoughts and/or critiques welcome. Thanks