11-08-2014, 10:16 AM
lol ray dear there's lots of we'd we'd all the way home.
sorry, I've been up nearly 48 hours and my eyes are searing holes through my eyelids.
It just seemed you were more worried about the description than the actual narrative, and while that's nice and all, it's a narrative poem.
I'll just show you how I'd set up one small part god I hate doing this.
she made a suggestion -
a game of canasta,
wager our freedom.
I don't think this loses any of your rhythm, and it is much clearer for the reader. I'll try to come back to this tomorrow if I can. Laser beam eyes, yanno.
sorry, I've been up nearly 48 hours and my eyes are searing holes through my eyelids.
It just seemed you were more worried about the description than the actual narrative, and while that's nice and all, it's a narrative poem.
I'll just show you how I'd set up one small part god I hate doing this.
she made a suggestion -
a game of canasta,
I don't think this loses any of your rhythm, and it is much clearer for the reader. I'll try to come back to this tomorrow if I can. Laser beam eyes, yanno.