11-06-2014, 10:19 PM
(11-06-2014, 08:29 PM)ray Wrote: I'm liking it better.
The tulip opens wide
in winds of March, - for me to is better than in and the earlier enjambment was neater. So my suggestion
which bees alone see as their own. The tulip's wide to winds Don't agree. Adjective to verb transmogrification causes me to balk. Next line, however
of March, that blast and blow the bloom to doom.
Again, suns in time was better, I think Agree. I was trying too hard to get the history from distance. ie. Light years away. Your way is better.I will revert.
No sight outlooks the gleaming globes, for space the ink of depth belies; - I get this now and it's a nice thought. Still, I'd prefer for space of inky depth. The line that follows is very nice too.
A man may stand and cry at death, when sparks of life he watches fade;
no deeper grave, no silent tomb, no prison sealed against the day
can ever make a soul despair save for the empty sightless stare. "can make a soul so dark despair as can the empty sightless stare." Phew! That's what I was trying to say! Thanks
Black is blind.
I just don't think that's anywhere near true. Souls despair for all sorts of reasons, mine most often when I see my horse beaten in a photo-finish. It's all relative.
